28 Do’s and Don’ts of Raising Boys…#1

So, in doing research on blogging, and how to start a blog, and how to add twitter to your blog, and facebook(ing) your blog, and vlogging and blog blog blog, I came across a blog that mentioned another blog that blogged about the “28 Rules for Fathers of Sons.”  I have to admit I am not an avid blog reader.  I have a few I am subscribed to because they reach me on a heart to heart level.  This particular blog article did just that.  There is nothing I am more passionate about in this world then my wife and kids, and the “28 Rules for Fathers of Sons” grabbed that heart of mine and squeezed it!  As a father of 4 kids, 3 boys and one exceptional life altering little girl, I decided to take the 28 rules and take 1 of them every so often and expound on it from my own life.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers and there are some of the 28 rules that I genuinely disagree with, but hey, there are bound to be people that disagree with my points on the same issues.  Hopefully we can all glean from each other and grab some valid points we can use to be better fathers to our sons.

So here goes!

#1 1. Love his Mother. He will learn to love like you love, and hate like you hate. So choose love for both of you. Devote yourself to it. Love with your whole heart and express that love each and every day. Then, someday down the road, you will see the way he loves his own wife, and know that you played a part in that.”

Right off the bat an arrow through the heart!  This is so true and we all know it is true.  The second line is the real dagger, “and hate like you hate.”  Admittedly there are times in the house when I fail so miserably in front of the kids to love their mother like she deserves.  We all have our worst moments and I am not the exception.  But, the arguments and momentary flair ups SHOULD be the exception to the love they see day in and day out expressed by us to their moms. It’s ok, even good, for our boys to see us fail from time to time in every area.  It’s even better when we fess up to the mistakes.  Real men willfully take the blame, sometimes even when it’s not their fault!  I’ve been married for 15 years and have made loving my wife a focus of outward expression not only for her but for my kids.  I want my boys SEE how to treat a woman and I want my daughter to SEE how she should expect to be treated.  So, I’ve made a small list of how I personally go about this.  There are about a hundred thousand different ways of doing this but I’ve tried to condense the list to 7 main things.  Of course I go through seasons in my marriage where I slip up and don’t do these as much as I should but it is a least a starting point.

1.)    Pinch her Butt!  I can already hear some women out there who are offended by this!  That it is demeaning and shouldn’t be tolerated and blah blah blah…For some this may be true.  My point in this is to show playful expressions of love.  For my wife and I, this is what we do…For others it may be tickling or wrestling around or whatever…but at least it shows that love doesn’t have to grow old and stuffy.  That you can keep some of that junior high flirtatious fun in your marriage.  Everyone knows men are just boys in bigger bodies and we should show this in our affection to our wives around our kids.  Let them see it’s still ok to have fun and show affection at the same time.

2.)    XXXX’s and OOOO’s.  This is more of a sub point to #1 but I felt it needed to have its own number.  Beyond the flirting it’s ok to show a little more serious emotion.  Your boys need to know that the physicality a man can provide to his wife in a long hug or a more formal kiss (not making out) affirms his love for his wife in public and thus affirms her.  The comfort and safety a wife finds in your embrace by placing her head on your shoulder is certainly noticed.  Often times my wife and I have a nice kiss in the kitchen in which my youngest son always comments, “awkward!”  This is music to my ears, because he is taking notice of our love.

3.)    For crying out loud do the dishes, vacuum, do the laundry, clean the bathroom, cook dinner, ect… (Wives can I get an AMEN!)  Get past the manly macho beat my chest “I only do manly jobs” mantra and show your sons that love is more than just physical expressions of affection.  For my wife this is definitely one of her love languages, acts of service.  Invite your boys to engage with you in these acts.  These can be great times of conversation and actual fun when engaged with a little horseplay on the side.

4.)    Admit you’re wrong and apologize to your wife in front of your sons.  One of the hardest things for me in my marriage is to admit I am wrong and say I am sorry.  I am fully aware of this, but it is still so difficult.  I don’t know if it goes back to the manly preconceived idea of marriage or what, but being aware of it means I must make the effort.  Our boys need to see us admit to mistakes and being wrong.  They especially need to see us say “I’m sorry” to our wives as well as to them.  We do make mistakes, but not owning up to them makes those mistakes worse.  If we want to raise boys to be awesome husbands, this tool HAS to be in their tool box.  I heard a quote lately which expresses this sentiment, “Don’t try and raise great kids, raise kids to be great adults.”

5.)    Affirm your love for your wife to your sons when she isn’t around.  Too many men talk negatively about their wives at the office or at the shop or in the car.  We forget very quickly the little ears around us are always listening.  I am a firm believer that our words hold life and death.  Speak life about your wife everywhere and let your sons hear it.

6.)    Pray with your wife and your family.  I debated putting this point in simply because I fall so short at this.  However, in trying to be real it must be placed here and admit my faults in doing so.  I don’t know of any greater gesture of love than lifting up your wife to G-d in prayer.  This will do all of the above plus more!  Enough said.

7.)    Finally, because this is a coffee blog (sigh), make her a cup of coffee in the morning before she gets up and teach your son how to do the same, lol.

I know there are some fathers out there who are single fathers so let me throw this addition in: “Treat all women with respect and class.”  Your sons will follow your lead in how you treat women, good or bad.  We must build up, encourage, strengthen and serve the women in our lives.  We must be men of integrity and character at all times, because little lives are always watching, listening and then mimicking all they see and hear.

Please post in the comments and additional suggestions for this topic.  It is always great to read others opinions and to grow from each other!